Reaching Out

Email 1

19:37 13 July 2019

Mona,

Hey, remember me? It seems you don’t at all these days. It’s only been a month since we finished school but it's like you’ve leapt out of my life. Where have you been hiding? All of us have been wondering; but especially me. I'm guessing you haven’t been using your phone? You haven’t listened to the voicemails? Did you get that summer job you’ve been talking about for the last six months?

Wren

Email 2

21:19 16 July 2019

Mona,

Please reply. I miss you. We all do. It's not the same without you around. I miss seeing you every day. I miss laughing with you.

Wren

Email 3

17:31 20 July 2019

Mona,

We still haven’t heard from you. Have we done something wrong? Have I done something wrong? Are you doing alright? I know the breakup hit you hard. Of course, I know. I was there that night and the nights after. We don’t need you to try to be the person you were before him. We just want to see you; just hear from you. I’d rather a simple reply than this radio silence.

We all love you. I miss you.

Wren

Email 4

12:22 21 July 2019

Mona,

I’ve seen your post.

Good to see you’re not holed up in your house. I'm guessing you’ve found new friends to reply to and make plans with. What did we do wrong? Did I do something?

Wren

Email 5

23:46 15 August 2019

Mona,

I saw you when you were getting your results. I know you saw me. There was a crowd of people between us but I know you saw me.

We were all together. Why didn’t you come over? I know it was a stressful day but you promised that we would open our envelopes together. Now, I don’t even know where my best friend is going to university.

Wren

Email 6

16:09 11 September 2019

Mona,

We were at the pub last night. I tried to call you beforehand but, of course, you didn’t answer. Do you have selective ring on or something?

When we were at the bar, I saw you leave with a guy. Did you see us? I can’t help but think that you left because you saw us there. Am I right? Please tell me I'm wrong. Please tell me it was a coincidence.

You’re not going to reply though, are you? If I'm entirely honest, for the last few emails, I haven’t been expecting a response. Maybe you don’t log onto this account any more. No need to revisit the past where we would reply to each other every day.

Anyway, I'm moving to university tomorrow. Do you even care?

Wren

Email 7

14:26 22 September 2019

Mona,

The last week has been crazy.

My flatmates are all really nice. It feels like I’ve known them for longer than a week. I guess that’s what happens when you live with people you’ve just met. And when you’ve been on multiple nights out with the same people all week.

We’re all hibernating in our rooms so there is no longer any distraction for me to turn to. I miss home. I miss my parents. I miss everything that I’ve left behind. I would say your sudden absence two months ago was a warning of what this would feel like. But I can’t say that. At least I know that I will be going home at Christmas and I can still talk to my parents and Rowan and the others.

You’ve completely disappeared from my life. But you’re still on my timeline. You’re posting and retweeting and pinning. You’re acting like you can just leave without an explanation. I think two years of friendship owes me an explanation. And we both know we weren’t just friends; we were best friends! You were my best friend for two years. And you said I was yours.

A part of me wants that to still be true but the rest of me cannot ignore your lack of replies and your absence only allows me to guess at the truth.

Wren

Email 1

21:58 2 January 2022

Wren,

Hey. We should talk.

Are you free to meet tomorrow at our bench at 2pm?

Mona

Email 8

22:16 2 January 2022

Mona,

Yes. Of course. I’ll see you there.

Wren

Chapter 1

The wood of the bench was worn and was getting more and more damp under the rain that was slowly starting to trickle down from the seemingly translucent sky. The grass was green but it was still crystalized by the morning’s frost. My fingers were beginning to tense from the icy air because I could no longer keep them hidden within the safety of my pockets when I was holding my umbrella. I had been sat there for ten minutes. I could tell because I’d listened to nearly four songs since I’d sat down. As lyrics of woe and sounds of guitars and drums filled my mind, I watched the path ten metres in front of me. There was a woman walking a black Labrador. Actually, the Labrador was pulling the woman along while she spoke was shouting at someone down the speaker of her phone. I would have found it almost comical if I wasn’t there for the reason I was.

I hadn’t expected Mona to be early. She never was. She never had been. But I was starting to spiral a bit. What if she didn’t show up at all? What if she had no intention of showing up at all?

‘Hey’ I heard from behind me. I turned and saw Mona with a charcoal hood pulled as far as it would go over her face while her hands were stuffed into her pockets.

‘Hey’ I replied. ‘Get under here’.

She followed my suggestion and sat next to me under the shelter of the umbrella.

It was weird. We’d sat here together countless times before but there was a different feeling now. We were both silent. Then she spoke.

‘How’ve you been?’ Small talk. I could do small talk.

‘I’ve been alright. You?’

‘Good. Uni’s been a lot to deal with but it's nice to have a break.’

‘Which uni are you at?’ I asked.

‘Westminster.’

‘Nice.’ I nodded in approval.

‘I know you got into Leeds,’ she said, avoiding my gaze. I'm guessing because this revealed that she had been seeing my posts. ‘How’s it going?’

‘Yeah, good’ I said, feeling the tension in the air scraping at my skin.

‘I guess I should explain’ she said. It wasn’t a question so I left her to continue. ‘I'm sorry I’ve been so MIA. I’ve just been having adjustment issues.’ She looked at me as if for approval but then looked away and continued. ‘Ever since I broke up with Oliver, I’ve felt so on edge. I know it's been over six months and I should feel more secure but I don’t. I still think he's going to be around every corner I turn and I'm going to have to face him. I'm going to have to speak to him. And I can’t do that. I can’t even think of that’.

That was the moment I realised our legs were pressed together because her legs had started to shake. I placed my hand on her knee and looked directly at her face for the first time since she had sat down.

‘You don’t need to talk about him if you don’t want to.’

She turned to me. ‘But I do.’

‘Why?’

‘Because it's the reason why I’ve been so distant.’ I had nothing to say so she continued. ‘I know that we were friends before I met him.’ I thought we were best friends. ‘But when me and Oliver were together, we were always together. I guess that was my fault. I wanted him to be friends with all my friends because then we’d have this perfect relationship or whatever.’ She said it like she was about to laugh but I saw it in her eyes that she could easily have started to cry instead.

She took and deep breath and continued. ‘What I'm trying to say is,’ she paused, ‘is that,’ another pause. ‘I guess the friends I had when I was with him reminded me too much of what it was like when I was with him.’

I was slightly stunned and I read on her face that she knew it.

‘At the beginning of summer, when we finished school, I was having fun with you guys like I used to but I was also having a shitty time. Although I wasn’t seeing Oliver every day any more, I was still reminded of him all the time.’

‘I get that.’ I said, trying to keep my voice sympathetic. ‘But why did you just start ignoring me without telling me that? I think I would have understood if you just told me you needed some time to yourself.’ I said it but I knew in the back of my mind that if that had happened I still wouldn’t be happy. Losing Mona in any sense with any explanation would have crushed me one way or the other.

‘I thought about it.’ She said, looking straight ahead, towards the path where the Labrador had been walking it's owner. ‘I just couldn’t find a way to say it.’

‘So, you didn’t’ I said, also looking straight ahead.

She turned towards me and grabbed my hand. ‘I'm sorry!’ she exclaimed. ‘I just convinced myself after a while that you didn’t need me!’

‘How could I not need you?’ I exclaimed in return, moving slightly away from her moving the umbrella with me which left her vulnerable to the rain still falling from the sky. ‘You were the person I was closest to for nearly two years! How could you expect me to detach from you so easily? We told each other everything and now I don’t know anything about you!’ I stopped and saw the umbrella in my hand shaking from side to side although the air around us was absent of any wind.

As I moved, Mona let go of my hand and looked back to the path.

‘I just thought you’d move on’ she said.

‘I didn’t find it as easy as you did’ I said, unable to hide the grumble of anger in my voice.

‘That’s not fair! Don’t blame me for seeing other people!’ her voice was tense. She was really looking at me now; her eyes staring into mine, searching for my empathy that I had always provided for her. Sometimes, only for her.

When she realised I wasn’t going to give it to her, she looked ahead and continued. ‘The night before I posted on Instagram,’ So she had read my emails. ‘I had been holed up in my room for a few days, just wallowing; watching Twilight and eating ice cream. Then Alice asked me if I wanted to go for a drink with her and a few friends. At first, I said no but eventually she convinced me. So, I went to the pub. I had met a few of them before since they’d been around the house over the years but it was the first time I had met her mates from work. They were all really fun and for the first time in months, I was laughing and having fun. Oliver never once crossed my mind.’

I thought for a moment about how good it had felt when I had first moved to university and I was meeting new people. I thought about the first night when we were all drinking and laughing. Thinking back, I think that was the first time for a while that Mona hadn’t crossed my mind. I realised that I had really needed a break from thinking about the loss of a bond that I thought I would have forever.

I turned back to her and saw that she had hung her head so that her hood was covering her face.

‘I think I understand.’ I said quietly. ‘I know you’ve probably read my emails’ she sat up, turned to me and nodded, ‘so you already know but I need you to know that it really hurt me when you suddenly disappeared from my life. We promised each other that we would keep in touch. I guess that’s why I emailed you. I guess it hurt less than texting because I could just think that when you didn’t reply that you just hadn’t logged on. I could just convince myself that you didn’t know I had reached out and you weren’t intentionally ignoring me.’

‘I only logged onto that email yesterday. I need you to know that. I wasn’t ignoring you’ Mona pleaded, moving her hand towards mine again but I moved mine away.

‘In that way at least’ I said, surprised at the bitterness that erupted from my mouth.

‘I'm sorry’ Mona said again. ‘I don’t know what else I can say. Why can’t you be like the others and just be mad at me in silence?’

I felt my blood boil. ‘Because we weren’t just friends! We were more than friends.’

‘What do you mean?’ seeing her face made me feel even worse. The confusion between her eyebrows. She should know exactly what I meant.

‘We were best friends!’ I exclaimed, louder than I meant it to come out.

‘Why is that any different?’ Mona asked, quietly.

‘I don’t know’ I said, letting the umbrella down and holding it between my legs.

I just got up and left after I said that. I stood up, holding my umbrella beside me and walked home, letting the rain fall on my head. I didn’t even look back at her to see her reaction. I think a part of me had wanted to do that for months. She had done the same to me; just up and left with the privilege of not seeing what the consequences would be.

Chapter 2

I had met her at the bench for an explanation and I’d got one. It just wasn’t the explanation I’d wanted to hear. However, I don’t know if there was another explanation that would hurt less than her just deciding to ignore me because she hated me. I guess I should be happy that wasn’t the case.

The reason I walked away was because she no longer seemed to see our friendship the way I did. For me, the friendship I had with her had been a lifeline for two years. She made me feel loved in a whole new way. Not in the way your family loves you unconditionally because it's biological but in the way that I felt needed. It was different from every other friendship I’d had because I always felt a difficulty to fully open up to even my closest friends. But I never felt that way with Mona. I could tell her anything and she would accept me. I felt that she needed me in a way that no one had ever needed me before. And I needed her. It scared me to admit it but I knew I would do anything for her.

It felt like something had twisted within my chest when she had asked ‘Why is that any different?’. I had always seen our bond as such a special thing while it seemed that she had not had the same perspective. How could our friendship come back from this? It needed to come back from this. Why did it feel so vital? I had friends who had been there for me the last few months; unlike her. Great friends. Why did it feel like no one would ever measure up to Mona? Why was there always a thought lurking in the dark telling me that no one would make me feel as loved when she had made me feel the complete opposite on that bench?

Chapter 3

‘I just don’t understand why she didn’t talk to us before she just started ignoring us!’ I exclaimed.

‘I guess she just did what she had to do,’ Rowan’s voice replied from my phone’s speaker. ‘It was a really shit few months for her. I can understand why she’d need some space.’

‘I know that,’ I replied, hearing my voice crack. I thought back to the end of Mona’s relationship with Oliver when she’d call me in the middle of the night crying when he’d told her that she couldn’t tell me the shitty things he’d put her through. He knew that if I knew the truth, he could no longer hide his emotional manipulation behind the guise of their lack of experience in romantic relationships.

‘So why are you so upset?’ Rowan asked softly; obviously recognising that I had started to cry just from the sound of my voice.

I let my head fall back onto my pillow and placed my phone on my chest. I took a deep breath and attempted to blink back the tears. ‘I guess it just hurts that she found it so easy to forget me when I'm finding it so hard to forget her.’

‘Of course, she hasn’t forgotten you. She met you today. She wanted to explain.’ Rowan said, firmly. ‘You don’t need to forget her either. Why do you think you need to do that?’

‘Because it hurts whenever I think of her,’ I sobbed and squeezed my eyes shut.

There was a pause. I’d known Rowan long enough to know that they were lost in thought. I began to replay a memory of Mona and I dancing goofily together at a house party. Occasionally, I would watch a video that someone had taken of us that night which captured the exact memory replaying in my mind. Mona had taken my hand, spun me around and then pulled me towards her so we were face to face. Then, we both started to jump around the room but we found our way back to each other and I spun her around as the video ended. We had been drinking that night so I did have a bit of Dutch courage but it was also Mona who had given me the courage to dance the way I did in that video. She had spun me around and it was like the touch of her hand had ignited within me a kind of joy which expelled all anxiety from my body.

Finally, Rowan spoke and said ‘Wren, do you think you might like Mona, like romantically?’

My eyes widened involuntarily. I thought about the pang in my chest that I’d felt just before I left Mona on the bench. Did it hurt me so much because I liked her as more than a friend? It did make sense. I was really close with Rowan and I did love them as a friend but I had to admit the way I felt about Mona was different.

‘Maybe I do. Do you think I do?’

‘I think you might. I’ve had my suspicions for a while now. Ever since Mona started dating Oliver, I saw a difference in you. Whenever they were together, you seemed fine to someone who wasn’t really paying attention but I know you. I remember how you acted when you had that apparent massive crush on Mitchell. Even then, you weren’t that attentive when he started dating Ivy last year. Even when you were crushing on Mitchell, you always spoke more about Mona when she wasn’t around. The thing that hit the nail on the head for me though was the way you looked at her. Whenever you looked in her direction, you were transfixed. And if she looked back at you, it was as if a light had been switched on within you.’

It made sense. I couldn’t believe that someone else had figured out how I felt so long before me. Suddenly, I understood why I had felt so protective of Mona when she was dating Oliver. I understood why it physically hurt when she disappeared so suddenly from my life and when she inadvertently revealed that she didn’t feel the same way I did.

Email 9

20:52 7 January 2022

Mona,

I'm sorry I left the way I did the last time we saw each other. I’ve had some time to think and now it's my turn to give you an explanation.

I never thought about the possibility of liking any of my friends romantically because I just saw it as platonic love; although the love I felt for you was always the deepest of all. I thought the reason for this was that I spent the majority of my time with you but now I know the truth. During our friendship, I liked you as more than a friend without realising it.

I think I still do like you, which is why I left you on the bench. When you questioned the depth of our friendship, I felt something drop in my chest and I didn’t know what else to do. I had to leave because it was too much for me in that moment.

I know this email might make it seem like I expect something from you but I promise that I don’t. I just wanted to tell you so you don’t think I just left for no reason because I do care about you. I hope that you know that despite the time we’ve had apart, I think I’ll always care about you. I don’t think I could ever stop.

Wren